|This year, skip the neckties . . . unless he's into bondage! |
These are the "toys" your "naughty boy" wants in
his stocking this year! Don't disappoint!
But fear not, ladies! If you're looking for a sexy gift for your dude before you go on deployment, start working more overtime, or are in the late stages of pregnancy and have been put on bed rest, then here is Uncle Ian's Guide To High Quality Whacking Off Toys Designed For Dudes. Sex Toys for Boys.
1. The Head Honcho
|"Wow! I've never seen a girl use both hands before!"|
Suggested Use: Next time your allergies act up, instead of a blowjob grab the Head Honcho, some lube, and hunker down between your dude's knees. Stare up adoringly at him while you ply the toy on his business end until the inevitable explosion of joy. Clean up, kiss him on the forehead, and make noises like he's been an especially good boy.
2. The Fleshlight
|The Fleshlight: |
the closest thing to real fresh pussy
a man can get without buying someone dinner.
Suggested Use: This toy is suitable for the serious stroker -- the type of thing you give your dude before a long business trip. Watch him use it on himself, try it for him, or affix it somehow to a raised surface so he can bang merrily away at it without his arm getting tired. Use LOTS of lube, though -- this thing is big.
3. Sasha Grey Deep Throat Stroker
Don't feel like giving hubby head this weekend? Let Sasha do it, instead! This realistic stroker is elastic, plush, and soft on his tool, and it's modeled from international pornstar and model Sasha Grey! The bad news? It probably gives a better blowjob than you do. The good news? Your boobs are probably bigger than Sasha's.
Suggested Use: Try this one in the middle of the night: get your dude erect without waking him up, then lube this thing and slip it on him as quietly as possible. See how far you can get him before he wakes up. You can either finish him this way or climb on to ride him to dawn.
4. The Assifier
|Word of Advice: |
When approaching anal play with your husband,
consider starting with something on the small side.
Larger toys might prove intimidating.
Suggested Use: Moments before he climbs on, give him a quick refresher handy and while he's moaning slip this thing inconspicuously near to his back door. If he doesn't panic and start weeping, lube it up and push it gently in all the way before you do the deed. Let me assure you, there's nothing like having your prostate stimulated . . . and doing it while you're balls-deep in pussy really diminishes the whole homoerotic aspect of it. (Or maybe not . . . no telling what he thinks about when he's whacking).
5. Screaming O Vibrating Ring
|For additional stimulation, try playing with|
his ice hole.
Suggested Use: visit him at lunch time for a surprise conference. Wear something severe and businesslike, then when you shut his office door, get on your knees, suck him erect, and slide this thing down to the base. Then mount him without removing your clothes (skirt, no panties, natch) and let the quiet little buzzer help increase the passion of the moment. He can keep it in his desk as a souvenir of the occasion . . . or in case of a repeat visit.
SPECIAL BONUS GIFT SUGGESTION: FOR THE LADIES!
|"Tha's right, fellas . . . Martha can take the whole thing!"|
Oh, and LUBE. Get some. Get a lot. There will never be a time in your life when you won't need lube.
And, just 'cause it's the season . . . consider adding the raunchy yet seasonal porn DVD A Christmas Orgy to your list. Perfect for the naughty boy, this one-scene multiple-elf throwdown includes Ron Jeremy as Jolly Ol' Saint Nick (St. Dick?) who gets his elvish workforce righteously laid after Mrs. Clause runs off. It's good clean porny Christmas fun!