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Thursday, December 13, 2012

Top 5 Toys-For-Boys Gift Suggestions (Sex Toys, that is)

One of the great gender inequities of our time is how men and women view masturbation.  Women have a plethora of aids to get them to the Big O, from bullets to rabbits to pocket rockets to magic wands to G-spot vibes to the industrial-strength Sybian -- but dudes usually still just stick to Rosy Palm and her four sisters.
This year, skip the neckties . . . unless he's into bondage!
These are the "toys" your "naughty boy" wants in
his stocking this year!  Don't disappoint!

But fear not, ladies!  If you're looking for a sexy gift for your dude before you go on deployment, start working more overtime, or are in the late stages of pregnancy and have been put on bed rest, then here is Uncle Ian's Guide To High Quality Whacking Off Toys Designed For Dudes.  Sex Toys for Boys.

1. The Head Honcho

"Wow!  I've never seen a girl use both hands before!"
Known in the industry as "strokers" or "masturbators" these "pocket pussies" are the staple of the strokin' joes out there.  The Head Honcho and its derivatives are particularly popular for their feel and ease of cleaning.  The interior has some just lovely soft ridges that keep Mr. Happy's friction addiction under control.  While the pliable exterior gets a little slippery with the addition of extra lube (you don't want your dude to do the Honcho dry unless he's a Real Man and wipes his ass with 100 grit sandpaper), if you can keep ahold of it this is one of the better strokers on the market.  At just a hair over $20, it's an ideal stocking stuffer.

Suggested Use: Next time your allergies act up, instead of a blowjob grab the Head Honcho, some lube, and hunker down between your dude's knees.  Stare up adoringly at him while you ply the toy on his business end until the inevitable explosion of joy.  Clean up, kiss him on the forehead, and make noises like he's been an especially good boy.

2. The Fleshlight

The Fleshlight:
the closest thing to real fresh pussy
a man can get without buying someone dinner.
In the vein of the Honcho comes the Fleshlight, the more upscale version of a stroker.  The Fleshlight not only has a realistic front and incredible ridging inside, it also has a rigid exterior that makes it much easier to grip.  It's also larger than the Honcho, able to accommodate most gigantic cocks.  But it's much heavier, too.  Repeated use can lead to the overdevelopment of the wrist and forearm.  It's biggest advantage is that it looks like a simple flashlight from four feet away -- handy for when your mother-in-law drops by unexpectedly.  Cleaning is more complex than the Honcho, but the strokage is worth the mess.

Suggested Use:  This toy is suitable for the serious stroker -- the type of thing you give your dude before a long business trip.  Watch him use it on himself, try it for him, or affix it somehow to a raised surface so he can bang merrily away at it without his arm getting tired.  Use LOTS of lube, though -- this thing is big.

3. Sasha Grey Deep Throat Stroker

Don't feel like giving hubby head this weekend?  Let Sasha do it, instead!  This realistic stroker is elastic, plush, and soft on his tool, and it's modeled from international pornstar and model Sasha Grey!  The bad news?  It probably gives a better blowjob than you do.  The good news?  Your boobs are probably bigger than Sasha's.

Suggested Use: Try this one in the middle of the night: get your dude erect without waking him up, then lube this thing and slip it on him as quietly as possible.  See how far you can get him before he wakes up. You can either finish him this way or climb on to ride him to dawn.

4. The Assifier

Word of Advice:
When approaching anal play with your husband,
consider starting with something on the small side.
 Larger toys might prove intimidating.
While your fella might be too homophobic to consider much butt play, the fact is he has an organ akin to your clitoris up his ass . . . and the first time it gets tagged right, it feels phenomenal.  If your dude is willing to consider a little up-the-butt experimentation, consider stuffing this cute little toy . . . in his stocking.  You can even let him think you got it to use on you . . . until it's too late.  The Assifier is not gargantuan -- it's designed for beginners in anal play, and afterwards you won't feel like the prettiest boy on the cellblock.  Its also easy to clean and is shaped to hit that sweet spot on most dudes.

Suggested Use: Moments before he climbs on, give him a quick refresher handy and while he's moaning slip this thing inconspicuously near to his back door.  If he doesn't panic and start weeping, lube it up and push it gently in all the way before you do the deed.  Let me assure you, there's nothing like having your prostate stimulated . . . and doing it while you're balls-deep in pussy really diminishes the whole homoerotic aspect of it. (Or maybe not . . . no telling what he thinks about when he's whacking).

5. Screaming O Vibrating Ring

For additional stimulation, try playing with
his ice hole.
This little disposable vibe fits into a cockring that places it right around your clitoris, so that while you and your dude are bumping uglies, this little demon is dancing on your clit as its being pounded by his pubic bone.  The vibe isn't particularly strong, but once its in proximity to the man in the boat it can work wonders.  At this price you can afford a couple to experiment with.  You'll get 2-3 uses out of it before the batteries die, and you can replace them, if you like, with regular watch batteries.  Some women find the stimulation level too low to orgasm from the vibe alone, however.  But as a complement to some serious missionary or cowgirl scrumping, this thing can ring your bell a couple of extra times, as well as keep him erect, hard, and thrusting manfully.

Suggested Use: visit him at lunch time for a surprise conference.  Wear something severe and businesslike, then when you shut his office door, get on your knees, suck him erect, and slide this thing down to the base.  Then mount him without removing your clothes (skirt, no panties, natch) and let the quiet little buzzer help increase the passion of the moment.  He can keep it in his desk as a souvenir of the occasion . . . or in case of a repeat visit.

SPECIAL BONUS GIFT SUGGESTION: FOR THE LADIES!

"Tha's right, fellas . . . Martha can take the whole thing!"
Every woman in the world needs to try out a Rabbit vibrator at least once.  The combination of clitoral stimulation and friction along the G-Spot create legendary orgasms . . . and if your girl doesn't have one, nothing says "I love you, I'm secure in my masculinity, and I want to watch while you get your solo freak on" better than a Rabbit.  The Whirlpool Rotating Rabbit Vibe is a mid-grade model, not as cheap as the cheap ones and not as elaborate as the really complicated ones -- but it does the damn job just fine.  With vibrations and rotations and flickers and shivers, this battery-powered honeymoon-in-your-hand will take your clit on new adventures you can only dream of.  Fellas, if you are drawing a blank about a kinky Christmas gift, you can't go wrong with this one.

Oh, and LUBE.  Get some.  Get a lot.  There will never be a time in your life when you won't need lube.


And, just 'cause it's the season . . . consider adding the raunchy yet seasonal porn DVD A Christmas Orgy to your list.  Perfect for the naughty boy, this one-scene multiple-elf throwdown includes Ron Jeremy as Jolly Ol' Saint Nick (St. Dick?) who gets his elvish workforce righteously laid after Mrs. Clause runs off.  It's good clean porny Christmas fun!

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