Buffy The Vampire Slayer XXX Parody Rumors . . .

Just a short note today -- just heard the word on the street that the New Sensations Buffy The Vampire Slayer porn parody is still forthcoming (no doubt with the luscious sex goddess and New Sensations contract star Ashlynn Brooke in the lead), and will likely be released sometime in 2011. So is this good news?

Well, yes, I think it is. Same word on said street says that the delays are due to getting the special effects just right. Considering some of the parodies out there look like bad weekend wonders (note I'm not mentioning any names), the fact that a major studio is actually spending time and money on the details is highly encouraging to those of us who are fans of the original. Of course, that's no guarantee of a decent script -- not everyone can be Joss Whedon -- but one would hope that if they're spending money on special effects that they spent another $10 on a decent script. One would hope.

Heck, if you can just re-live all those times you secretly stroked to Sarah Michelle Gellar or Alyson Hannigan, you'll be lining up for this one.

Porn Takes Another Baby Step Towards The Mainstream

The stars of the hit Comedy Central "mockumentary" spoof of reality TV, Reno 911, have taken an unprecedented step in celebrating the success of the porn parody based on their show. On July 26th they joined the fine folks at porn studio New Sensations for a special sold-out charity screening of New Sensations hit XXX parody, Reno 911: A XXX Parody at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in Los Angeles.

Lots of shows get porn parodies made of them -- everything from WKRP to Bewitched to Batman has been spoofed with an explicit sex version. But most of the classic TV shows have casts that have either passed on or whose interest in XXX parodies is likely dimmed by age. There are, of course, obvious exceptions (lookin' at you, Betty White, who was spoofed in The Golden Girls: A MILF Parody just this month!) but only a handful of parodies have been done of existing shows, or shows from the recent past.

(View a good review of the XXX flick here)

But the Reno 911 parody apparently rang the bell of the cast and producers of the show, and they decided to do a special event showing of the (slightly edited) porn flick at the comedy bunker known as the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. Billed as a "roast" of the original show, the event was covered by esteemed gossip shop TMZ. Some of the comments were priceless. From the press release:

"During the roast, the cast was full of praise for “Reno 911: A XXX Parody” and its adult cast. Garant stated, “When we found out there was a porn parody of our show being done by New Sensations, we contacted them immediately and said…” At which point Lennon interjected saying, “We need like 10 copies of that right away; for research purposes.”

and

Two weeks ago, “Reno 911: A XXX Parody” was featured in a sketch from mainstream comedy website FunnyOrDie.com, as New Sensations’ reputation for top shelf adult parodies continues to grow. Sketch director Justin Donaldson says, “New Sensations’ XXX parodies are by far the funniest and most entertaining thing I have ever masturbated to.”

and then this:

After first watching the trailer for “Reno 911: A XXX Parody” on New Sensations’ YouTube.com page, Robert Ben Garant posted, “Wow. I have never been so proud. This is like winning an Oscar. An Oscar you can rub one out to.”

and last, but not least, this:

Robert Ben Garant says, “To see yourself portrayed in high def, only you’ve got a 20 inch schlong, you feel like you can go back home and conquer Hollywood.”

That's some funny sh!t. You can read the rest of the press release here.

Now, while this is amusing and funny in and of itself, there's an additional layer of pop-culture irony here: Reno 911 was itself a spoof of reality TV shows like Cops. So this connection between parody and reality is growing on multiple levels. Just an observation. And if any cast of a mainstream TV show is likely to appreciate the possibilities of a porn parody, then it would be the folks at Reno 911, where episodes have dealt with as many outrageous aspects of free-form sexuality as you could name: roller-skating male prostitutes (Nick Swardson as "Terry" -- one of the show's staple "bad guys"), Reno brothels, homosexuality, bisexuality, drugs and sex, bondage and discipline . . . the list goes on. Reno 911 was always sensitive to the nuanced humor that inevitably arises from sexuality, without being judgmental. The nature of the show was to expose the outrageous sexual acts of everyday people, usually in areas where things just got out of hand badly enough to warrant a visit from the police. We've all been there . . .

I will say that it took balls from these mainstream actors to not only publicly acknowledge that the XXX parody existed, but to actively celebrate it as a sign of cultural success, not the moral disintegration of American popular culture. I think that it's not only another baby-step in the process of porn becoming a socially acceptable form of entertainment for adults, but its an appreciation of how parody, regardless of it's form, is an art unto itself.

Original show cast members in attendance:

Robert Ben Garant, Kerri Kenney-Silver, Thomas Lennon, Joe Lo Truglio, Niecy Nash, Carlos Alazraqui, Cedric Yarbrough, Ian Roberts and Nick Swardson.

Cast members of the parody:

Jada Fire, Bobbi Starr, Natasha Nice, Sophie Dee, Jessica Lynn, Violet Monroe, Stephanie Cane, Lexa James, Jack Lawrence, James Deen, Mr. Pete, Ralph Long, Tyler Knight, Tony De Sergio, Alex Gonz, Eddie Adams and Brian Street Team.

View the official trailer:

Support Your Local Porn Star! Vote Now!

Ok, Ok, there's plenty of "fan's choice" awards out there, and like every other on-line poll there are bound to be ringers who get all their friends and relatives to go and vote for their porn company, thus skewing the results. But there are a few on-line polls the industry takes seriously, and among them are the NightMoves awards. It's not that the industry still doesn't try to stuff the ballot box, it's just that a lot more actual fans of porn actually vote their actual conscience on the annual NightMoves poll. NightMoves is local to the Tampa night scene, and Tampa gets my vote for being one of the five sexiest cities in America -- but more importantly, it's considered a bellwether for future industry plans.

So here's your chance to let your voice be heard! Click on over to NightMoves and give them a piece of your mind on your favorite piece of ass!


(BTW, I'm not actually up for an award, but they had that nifty little button and I just couldn't resist. Damn my impulsive nature . . .)

You can vote for Best Female Performer, Best Male Performer, Best MILF Performer, Best New Starlet, Best Production Company, Best Director, Best Feature Production, Best Comedy/Parody, Best Series, Best All Sex/Gonzo, Best All Girl, and Best Packaging in the national poll -- there's a local poll available, too, for all you Bay-area folk. (Shout out to Ybor City!)

So why bother? Because it kills twenty minutes before you have to go to lunch, because you're an well-informed and opinionated porn buyer, or because you love, Love, LOVE Kayden Kross and must support her!

Want to know how Ian voted? Click here!

Nina Hartley: Porn Feminist

Nina Hartley sometimes gets a lot of heat in some quarters because of her long tenure in a profession known for it's focus on youth, but the truth is that few other performers have done as much for the industry, and to the industry, as Nina has to such positive effect.

Nina GETS it. Nina Hartley is a sex worker, a porn actress, a strong intellectual voice about sex in America, and (this might surprise you) a feminist. In this outstanding interview with Anna North over at Jezebel (the site for horny women), Nina takes on several of the most controversial topics in the industry, and along the way reveals herself to be a loud, proud, pro-porn, sex-positive by-Goddess feminist voice in the sex industry. Nina Hartley understands that the freedom to do porn movies in our country isn't just about our First Amendment rights, it's about a woman exercising her most basic and fundamental right: the right to do with her body what she desires.

That's not always a popular position for a self-declared feminist to take -- but then again, there are so many factions and sub-factions of intellectual schools of thought throughout Feminism that such distinctions become moot after a while. And one must take these things in context: it's easy to preach about feminism when you're a tenure-protected Ivy League professor hawking your newest book; it's much more credible, to me at least, to see such a controversial feminist perspective from someone who has been at the bleeding edge of the sexual revolution for as long as Nina has. Nina has not just been a Professional woman, she's been a professional Woman -- using her femininity, in part, as her means of support. While some may consider that self-exploitation and degradation, compared to hallowed Ivy League crowd, are those academic voices not also trading on their femininity as a means of support? Is their gender and sex not implicitly necessary to support their assertions? Meanwhile, as the sex industry world-wide surges in this new open era of sexual entertainment, with perhaps millions making their living through it one way or another, the Ivy League crowd can only see the degradation, not the enlightenment, that exists there. Indeed, along with the fundamentalist religion crowd, they're the only ones who are pushing the idea that mixing sex and money for any purpose is dirty -- and those are exactly the attitudes that harm those in our industry the most.

Don't get me wrong -- child trafficking and sex trafficking is a horrific evil that should be aggressively opposed and prosecuted. And I won't deny that there are ugly parts to our industry. But there is a line, and those of us on the legal, legitimate side of that line provide for our families and pay taxes in our communities and to our respective nations just like autoworkers, firefighters, farmers and shop owners. Advancing the notion that the sex industry, in all of its manifestations, is morally repugnant instead of providing a good and valuable -- and necessary -- part of the entertainment world is ultimately harmful to those the academics profess to want to protect the most. Or, to paraphrase from the comments of Facebook's lame anti-porn page,

"Porn exploits women and makes them objects! And men who don't like sluts and watch porn . . . guess what, you're watching sluts!"

If you can't see the intellectual dishonesty in the above statement, then email me after class and I'll explain it to you.

A sampling of the quotes (full props to Anna North -- great interview!):

People get hysterical about sex. They want pornography to do the job that they themselves are not doing, which is educating our young people how to be safer. Unless a pornography movie is advertised as educational [...], it is not educational. And the fact that people are reduced to looking at an entertainment medium to find out about sex is sad. It would be less sad if it wasn't so tragic. Watching pornography to find out about how sex works is like watching a James Bond movie to find out how spies do their job.

Priceless! And so true! And . . .

"We have tall and thin we have short and thick we have boxy-waisted, short-legged, long-legged, flat, big big butts, small butts, bit of a tummy. Women who are actually not the standard of beauty get work in pornography who would never get work in mainstream Hollywood." And, she added, "I have two words for you-April Flores."

LOVE it! The myth of the blonde-bubble-butt-sex-goddess being the be-all and end-all of feminine sexuality is one of my pet peeves. When they were only making a few hundred movies a year, the Porn Blonde was the lowest common denominator; but with the digital media explosion (and the willingness of so many to suddenly flaunt their naughty bits on camera) now the porn consumer has a much wider market to choose from. Given a choice, people choose -- and the Porn Blonde, while still strong, isn't the only game in town. While the greater Feminist community has yet to clue in to this serious development on the front lines of the sexual revolution, the fact is that in cultural terms it's dawning on guys that the Perfect Woman comes in infinite varieties and vintages. And it's dawning on women that their coochies don't have an expiration date that makes them unfuckable after thirty. (Or forty. Or whenever the next milestone birthday is). People aren't just burying themselves in porn, they're hooking up on the internet all over the place, and they seem to be valuing authenticity over a standard of iconic beauty in their choices.

And while that might not mean very much to the Ivy League Feminists, the positive effects are being felt in the sex lives of women all across the world. And that has to be a victory for feminism, if not Feminism.

Thanks, Nina!

BTW, just got the first look at Nina's new appearance in the MILF flick Seasoned Players 12 (Tom Byron Pictures), where she does a sizzling interracial anal scene with veteran ebony cocksman Sean Michaels. No, you don't have to gleefully take an 11" black prick up your ass to get my attention in a discussion about feminism, but any woman who can do that with a smile on her face automatically gets my respect, if not my full attention. But the scene proves Nina still has game -- maybe now more than ever! -- and you should check out the flick. (Besides, it has one of my favorite stars, Aurora Snow, in it as well -- does this mean I get to lust over you all over again as a MILF, Aurora? You're too good to me . . .)

BIG TIME PORN NEWS: LEE ROY MEYERS LEAVES NEW SENSATIONS!

You may not have heard about it in the non-porn world, but acclaimed director Lee Roy Meyers, one of the dudes responsible for the string of outstanding porn parodies New Sensations has been doing so well with, is leaving the company after two very, very good years. According to his press release here (thanks to our pals at Fleshbot), he's searching for other opportunities. Reading between the lines, he's produced a huge string of good-selling hits in a depressed market, and he probably wants more than New Sensations can give.

Since there are only 4-5 other companies who could use him (and pay him what he's worth), it will be interesting to see where he lands. I think we'll see a few months of per-movie contract work with him, and then he'll land with one of those companies. Or he'll launch his own -- the time might be right for that, and he's got an impressive enough record to make it work.

Good luck, Mr. Meyers, and here's hoping you land in a big juicy pile of dough and artistic indulgence!

I couldn't resist . . . wooden double dongs?

Long-time readers of this blog (both of you, that is) know I have a fascination for the historical and the erotic -- if you haven't checked out my serialized erotic steampunk novel, Edward Lane's Argosy, you've been missing . . . something . . . -- so it isn't a surprise that this little item in the Sun caught my eye. 18th century dongage, in all its well-polished glory.

The 18th century isn't quite "antiquity", so I couldn't include them in my "porn from antiquity" feature, but I may well start a "Porn from History" feature elsewhere hereabouts. But the upshot is that these two 1700s era faux phalluses (phallii?) prove that not only did the ladies back then like to tickle their own trout, but they had access to some pretty remarkable assistance. These two proud specimens of the dildoists' art hail from France (of course -- that's where all the cool sex stuff came from) and were likely used by aristocrats.

Dildoes of wood, clay, ceramic, wax and (yes) leather were not uncommon in most historical eras. But they were usually cheaply made and few survived the demise of their owners. To see two handsome pieces like this in this good of a condition is remarkable, and rare. And before you ask, no, I did not bid on the merchandise. (Don't get me wrong, I'd love to own them, but Mrs. Ironwood won't let me spend more than a hundred bucks on sexual antiquities without her review).

But this begs a question as well: I described a wooden, wind-up clockwork vibrator in the third chapter of my novel, and I can't imagine that it would be difficult to construct. In the age of "green" everything, why hasn't anyone put together a cool, powerful spring-operated vibrator? Do it all in mahogany or rosewood like these fellas, or cap it in brass, chrome or gold . . . but isn't this an idea whose time has come?

Anyone?

Just to give a more complete description (and plug my ongoing book) here's an excerpt where Annette, a Parisian whore in 1891, describes the device I propose:

“Is monsieur enjoying himself?” she asked, hospitably, when she had taken him to the brink of rapture — and then stopped. “Annette is not like English whores — she does not rush you to the petite morte, thinking of nothing but money . . . she takes her time and enjoys the meal!”

“Vive la France!” Edward, agreed in an intent whisper, as her lips and tongue descended once more the torment his prick with pleasure. He felt her other hand steal under the waistband of her pantaloons — the little brunette tart was frigging herself! “Let me see?” he asked, placing a hand on her head to slow her motion. She was startled and gave a yelp around his prick, then embarrassed for being caught by her patron, but when she realized Edward wanted her to continue, she jumped up to fetch something from her handbag before returning to her submissive pose between his knees.

“If you do not care to fuck me, monsieur,” she asked, a wicked grin on her face, “then perhaps you will allow me to pleasure myself with my new vibrateur. . . all the girls are mad for them right now!” she confided, with teenaged enthusiasm.

Edward was intrigued. “Might I see it?” he asked. She nodded vigorously, and presented the instrument for his inspection with all the ceremony of a feudal ritual. He was not unfamiliar with the French passion for dildoes — nearly every lady wife and her chambermaid in Paris had one of the illicit instruments tucked away in her bedding — but this was something else

entirely

. He saw that the head, a simple design that did not try to mimic the variations of the male member beyond the most elementary form, was of highly polished brass, while the body of the engine was beautifully finished rosewood, sanded and varnished to a glass-like smoothness. At the base there was an elaborate brass fitting, as ornate as a music box.

“It works like this,” Annette explained, after he examined it. She turned the base several times, producing a small clicking sound, before it was wound enough, and then she activated a switch on the base. The faux phallus immediately produced a small whirring noise. “It is . . . how you say? Rouage d’horloge . . . clockwork! Oui, it is a clockwork vibrateur . . . the most amazing, wonderful contraption the French ever invented!”

“So . . . what do you do with it?” Edward asked, failing to see the device’s purpose or utility beyond that served so admirably by an ordinary dildo.

“Well, monsieur,” Annette confided naughtily as she pushed the instrument into her pantaloons and, he assumed, against the slit of her cunny, “When I place the baton just so . . . and activate it . . . OH!” Annette yelped as she flicked the switch with her thumb. “It produces the most divine vibrations against my . . . my clitoris . . .” she gasped. “It makes the work go much more quickly!” With that the randy young tart returned to her duties servicing Edward’s prick. The familiar motions were now punctuated with gasps and moans as Annette pleasured herself, a situation which Edward approved of heartily — never had he seen a woman become as aroused as the little whore had with her device. And the sensation of her expressions of lust while employed sucking his cock produced a delightful sucking which, if erratic, was none the less welcome for its novelty and renewed enthusiasm for the task.

My EXCLUSIVE 2009 Interview With Kagney Linn Karter

Some of you have wondered just what it is I do . . . well, one of the things I do sometimes is interview pornstars. Yes, Porn Stars. Life is hard . . .

This is a video interview I shot in late 2009 with Kagney Linn Karter, whose star was just starting to rise in a big way. It was my first experiment with "green screen", and unfortunately Kagney's shirt was a similar shade of green, so she had to wear that horrible black thing over her magnificent rack (I should point out that Kagney was more than willing to do the interview topless, but my director bagged the idea -- it wouldn't get past YouTube censors. But they are . . . truly . . . magnificent, up close.)

Kagney's as sweet as you could ask for, very personable and enthusiastic. I'll be posting more of my interviews (and publishing the ones I do off-camera) as time permits, but this one was just too cool to pass up.

Ian's Advice: Adventures In E-Dating

Got my first real advice question! This comes in from one of my fans:

Dear Ian,

I spent an amazing week with a guy I met on the internet in March, he came back the end of May and spent the weekend at his friend’s house, where I stayed with him. We didn't even wait until I got in the house before we were undressing each other, spent 4 fantastic days together . . . and I haven't heard from him since. How can two people be that sexually compatible, enjoy doing the same things together (I understand and find his quirkiness endearing) and still not connect? We want the same things in life, he tells me he wants me to go to Jamaica with him at the end of the summer, and yet he has not called me yet. Oh yeah, I believe his marriage has been over for 3 years but they are still living in the same big house because the market tanked and it hasn't sold yet., so the divorce is not final. Info I did not know when I met him and I don't believe he knows I know. I don’t even mind that . . . but no call?

Am I just incredibly oblivious to the fact that 'he's just not that into me' or do guys actually get scared because they found the right one but cannot have any relationship with because 1) they are married still, and 2) they live 13 hours away in another state? Now I wish I had never got myself involved and hurt. Tell me something that makes sense. – Laid and Confused

Part of the problem is the extent to which women conflate sex and love. Both are powerful, passionate emotions, but they're also very subtle, apt to fluctuate, and don't necessarily resonate the same way with men and women. For the guy in question, this was clearly about sex, not a relationship. Unless there's mega-clicking from the outset, it's difficult for a man to connect to a woman emotionally -- until he has sex with her. Then he weighs that experience against where he is in his life, and sees if the event was significant enough to make the investment in a relationship.

For most men, they can't even get that far without having sex. In the old days, courtship would allow that investment to be made within a rigorous architecture that allowed for that investment to be made a little at a time -- but it took forever, and often led to bitter feelings that could undermine the entire relationship (consider: in 1930, you're a man courting a woman for weeks before you even get to steal a kiss -- and that gets expensive. If she makes you wait until marriage, like you're supposed to, then you might wake up the day after your wedding and realize that you married a complete sexual dud -- but in 1930 there's a strict "no returns" policy. Bitterness and unhappiness ensue).

Our modern electronic courtship cuts out a lot of that time, but at the expense of the woman's ability to warm up slowly and build up enthusiasm for the event. Women are quicker to make an emotional investment in a relationship than a man, and traditionally the act of sexual union has been the ultimate investment. Since most on-line hook-ups are fueled by intrigue, excitement over something new, the potential of a new relationship, and plain ol' good-fashioned horniness, instead of a gradual, highly-regulated build-up like in olden days, the result is a lot of women getting their "hearts broken" in e-relationships that go physical instantly.

That's not to say that you should try to overcome your natural desire to parlay sexual intimacy into emotional intimacy, but be advised that going into an on-line hook-up with high expectations will undoubtedly lead to bitter disappointments. I know for a fact that casual sex can blossom into perfect, wonderful life-long romantic relationships -- I met my wife drunk and on the rebound in a bar, and our entire family is the result of a one-night-stand gone horribly -- but happily -- awry -- but those instances tend to be spontaneous and rare. Compounded with the natural advantage that men have over women when it comes to suppressing and compartmentalizing our emotions (often to the point of dangerous emotional constipation), the e-dating scene can seem bitterly unfair to women who go there.

And there is the issue of just what your expectations are in the first place: did you intend to just get your ashes hauled, or were you husband-hunting, or maybe somewhere in between? Making that decision and having the emotional discipline to stick to it is key to surviving the process. Of course you want plenty of flexibility to change your expectations if there's real spark and sizzle -- but be aware that a lot of the good "spark and sizzle" you feel with a guy is often the best part of him. The guys who rely heavily on "spark and sizzle" generally (but not always) end up having little else to invest in. Just as drop-dead gorgeous women, as a rule, are far more trouble for the average guy than he suspects.

My advice? He's obviously on his own journey, and you got a couple of good humpity days out of it. Keep channels open in case you want a rematch, but move on. Anyone living with his ex-wife is going to be damaged anyway, and you can likely find better lovers out there -- if you keep looking.

Hope that helps!

Ian Ironwood