Top 5 Toys-For-Boys Gift Suggestions (Sex Toys, that is)

One of the great gender inequities of our time is how men and women view masturbation.  Women have a plethora of aids to get them to the Big O, from bullets to rabbits to pocket rockets to magic wands to G-spot vibes to the industrial-strength Sybian -- but dudes usually still just stick to Rosy Palm and her four sisters.

This year, skip the neckties . . . unless he's into bondage!
These are the "toys" your "naughty boy" wants in
his stocking this year!  Don't disappoint!

But fear not, ladies!  If you're looking for a sexy gift for your dude before you go on deployment, start working more overtime, or are in the late stages of pregnancy and have been put on bed rest, then here is Uncle Ian's Guide To High Quality Whacking Off Toys Designed For Dudes.  Sex Toys for Boys.

1. The Head Honcho

"Wow!  I've never seen a girl use both hands before!"

Known in the industry as "strokers" or "masturbators" these "pocket pussies" are the staple of the strokin' joes out there.  The Head Honcho and its derivatives are particularly popular for their feel and ease of cleaning.  The interior has some just lovely soft ridges that keep Mr. Happy's friction addiction under control.  While the pliable exterior gets a little slippery with the addition of extra lube (you don't want your dude to do the Honcho dry unless he's a Real Man and wipes his ass with 100 grit sandpaper), if you can keep ahold of it this is one of the better strokers on the market.  At just a hair over $20, it's an ideal stocking stuffer.

Suggested Use: Next time your allergies act up, instead of a blowjob grab the Head Honcho, some lube, and hunker down between your dude's knees.  Stare up adoringly at him while you ply the toy on his business end until the inevitable explosion of joy.  Clean up, kiss him on the forehead, and make noises like he's been an especially good boy.

2. The Fleshlight

The Fleshlight:
the closest thing to real fresh pussy
a man can get without buying someone dinner.

In the vein of the Honcho comes the Fleshlight, the more upscale version of a stroker.  The Fleshlight not only has a realistic front and incredible ridging inside, it also has a rigid exterior that makes it much easier to grip.  It's also larger than the Honcho, able to accommodate most gigantic cocks.  But it's much heavier, too.  Repeated use can lead to the overdevelopment of the wrist and forearm.  It's biggest advantage is that it looks like a simple flashlight from four feet away -- handy for when your mother-in-law drops by unexpectedly.  Cleaning is more complex than the Honcho, but the strokage is worth the mess.

Suggested Use:  This toy is suitable for the serious stroker -- the type of thing you give your dude before a long business trip.  Watch him use it on himself, try it for him, or affix it somehow to a raised surface so he can bang merrily away at it without his arm getting tired.  Use LOTS of lube, though -- this thing is big.

3. Sasha Grey Deep Throat Stroker

Don't feel like giving hubby head this weekend?  Let Sasha do it, instead!  This realistic stroker is elastic, plush, and soft on his tool, and it's modeled from international pornstar and model Sasha Grey!  The bad news?  It probably gives a better blowjob than you do.  The good news?  Your boobs are probably bigger than Sasha's.

Suggested Use: Try this one in the middle of the night: get your dude erect without waking him up, then lube this thing and slip it on him as quietly as possible.  See how far you can get him before he wakes up. You can either finish him this way or climb on to ride him to dawn.

4. The Assifier

Word of Advice:
When approaching anal play with your husband,
consider starting with something on the small side.
 Larger toys might prove intimidating.

While your fella might be too homophobic to consider much butt play, the fact is he has an organ akin to your clitoris up his ass . . . and the first time it gets tagged right, it feels phenomenal.  If your dude is willing to consider a little up-the-butt experimentation, consider stuffing this cute little toy . . . in his stocking.  You can even let him think you got it to use on you . . . until it's too late.  The Assifier is not gargantuan -- it's designed for beginners in anal play, and afterwards you won't feel like the prettiest boy on the cellblock.  Its also easy to clean and is shaped to hit that sweet spot on most dudes.

Suggested Use: Moments before he climbs on, give him a quick refresher handy and while he's moaning slip this thing inconspicuously near to his back door.  If he doesn't panic and start weeping, lube it up and push it gently in all the way before you do the deed.  Let me assure you, there's nothing like having your prostate stimulated . . . and doing it while you're balls-deep in pussy really diminishes the whole homoerotic aspect of it. (Or maybe not . . . no telling what he thinks about when he's whacking).

5. Screaming O Vibrating Ring

For additional stimulation, try playing with
his ice hole.

This little disposable vibe fits into a cockring that places it right around your clitoris, so that while you and your dude are bumping uglies, this little demon is dancing on your clit as its being pounded by his pubic bone.  The vibe isn't particularly strong, but once its in proximity to the man in the boat it can work wonders.  At this price you can afford a couple to experiment with.  You'll get 2-3 uses out of it before the batteries die, and you can replace them, if you like, with regular watch batteries.  Some women find the stimulation level too low to orgasm from the vibe alone, however.  But as a complement to some serious missionary or cowgirl scrumping, this thing can ring your bell a couple of extra times, as well as keep him erect, hard, and thrusting manfully.

Suggested Use: visit him at lunch time for a surprise conference.  Wear something severe and businesslike, then when you shut his office door, get on your knees, suck him erect, and slide this thing down to the base.  Then mount him without removing your clothes (skirt, no panties, natch) and let the quiet little buzzer help increase the passion of the moment.  He can keep it in his desk as a souvenir of the occasion . . . or in case of a repeat visit.

SPECIAL BONUS GIFT SUGGESTION: FOR THE LADIES!

"Tha's right, fellas . . . Martha can take the whole thing!"

Every woman in the world needs to try out a Rabbit vibrator at least once.  The combination of clitoral stimulation and friction along the G-Spot create legendary orgasms . . . and if your girl doesn't have one, nothing says "I love you, I'm secure in my masculinity, and I want to watch while you get your solo freak on" better than a Rabbit.  The Whirlpool Rotating Rabbit Vibe is a mid-grade model, not as cheap as the cheap ones and not as elaborate as the really complicated ones -- but it does the damn job just fine.  With vibrations and rotations and flickers and shivers, this battery-powered honeymoon-in-your-hand will take your clit on new adventures you can only dream of.  Fellas, if you are drawing a blank about a kinky Christmas gift, you can't go wrong with this one.

Oh, and LUBE.  Get some.  Get a lot.  There will never be a time in your life when you won't need lube.


And, just 'cause it's the season . . . consider adding the raunchy yet seasonal porn DVD A Christmas Orgy to your list.  Perfect for the naughty boy, this one-scene multiple-elf throwdown includes Ron Jeremy as Jolly Ol' Saint Nick (St. Dick?) who gets his elvish workforce righteously laid after Mrs. Clause runs off.  It's good clean porny Christmas fun!

Labor Day Weekend Porn Recommendations!

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Fan Contest: Win A Copy of Tomb Raider XXX!

One of my porn-savvy fans clued me into this deal this morning and I felt compelled to share.

Basically, it's a way to win a FREE copy of Tomb Raider XXX: An Exquisite Films Parody and some autographed promotional posters -- and when is high-quality free porn EVER a bad idea? I've checked it out, and it gets my hearty Sex Nerd stamp of whackworthiness. And it has enough of a plot to keep you from fast-forwarding through the non-nekkid parts, and the action sequences are pretty good too . . . for porn.

Male Birth Control: It's Here, And It's A Game Changer

Reposted from The Red Pill Room, my other blog.

Oh, my.

I stumbled across this link today, and after I read it the world wobbled the way it does when my relatively straight-forward idea of how the future is going to play out gets challenged.  Like this.

Quite simply, it is a male birth-control procedure, essentially a temporary (10 years) vasectomy that can be easily and cheaply administered and easily and cheaply removed.

And it's going to change everything.

Most people don't realize just how profound the change was when a large segment of society got access to reliable birth control the first time.  Simply put, this wonderful biochemical gift enabled female hypergamy and plenty of lusty evenings without worrying about the possibility of pregnancy.  That allowed married couples to limit the number of kids they had and devote more resources per capita, thus improving the next generation's socio-economic circumstances.  Or it allowed your wife to go sleep with that dude with the 12" pecker next door and not get knocked up.  Either way, it was an official Game Changer, like industrialization, digital technology, or liberalized divorce laws.

Of course, with the assumption that the woman you were doing was, indeed, on birth control and took it like a responsible adult has led to many unplanned pregnancies.  Indeed, it's always been the ambitious girl's fall-back plan: find some rich dude, fuck him, get pregnant, let him support her and the kid so she doesn't have to work so hard.  Sure, it sounds shallow and conniving, but I've heard plenty of women (and some die-hard feminists -- I shit you not) declare that as their plan.  And with abortion legal, it really puts the male in question in an unenviable and untenable spot.  Sure, a woman has a right to choose to become a parent -- and I'll support that to my dying breath -- but if a dude wanted to skip that part, he was pretty much at the mercy of the mother in question, and had to live with the result of her decision no matter what his opinion was. As a dude, your best cover is a condom, and they are not (as my brother discovered) 100% effective.  Especially not if the woman in question is deceitful enough to "slip one past the goalie".

But no more.

With this procedure, you could get your 15 year old testosterone-poisoned son "temporarily fixed", teach him Game, and turn him loose on the unsuspecting female public with a box of condoms and you don't have to worry about grandchildren until he's 25.  Hilarity ensues.

What happens when every dude in High School is suddenly shooting blanks?  A drop in teenage pregnancy, for certain, but a sharp rise in pump-and-dump spectaculars.  And girls won't even have the pregnancy scare to fall back on.  They're going to have to work and compete for male attention among the boys, who won't be nearly as terrified of sex anymore -- and dudes who know Game will know how to exploit that.

As soon as this clears clinical trials, I'm looking into it for my sons.  If I can get them the HPV vaccine, then this seems a no-brainer.  I want grandkids, of course, but I want them in the proper time when my kids can properly support them.  This way, I can ensure that won't be until they have decent jobs and have played their way through the Puerarchy.

But it's not the teenage girls who are going to have it the worst.  This is going to hit the 30-something-and-only-five-eggs-left women who use one-night-stands as a last-ditch effort to get pregnant.  I know two such who went that route.  In the future, no more.

The other group this will hurt, in the long run, are feminists.  If men can ensure that they are infertile until they desire to have kids, then the onus of reproduction AND relationships suddenly goes back to the male, in a startling shift of power.  You'll see wives begging their husbands to get un-fixed so that they can have a baby, and men deciding to wait until they're ready.  That's going to put some stress on some relationships, of course,  but it's also going to remove the power of women to dictate to men when, where and how they are going to have kids, and who pays for them.  And feminists (at least the current Fourth Wave crop) are going to go fucking bananas about this, when they realize that.

It should be fun to watch.

BREAKING NEWS: Ontario's Supreme Court Legalizes Brothels!

CNN has the full scoop here, but it looks like Ottawa might just become a much more appealing convention destination. And I foresee Windsor implementing this ruling in such a way to bring in a lot of day-trippers -- which makes Detroit suddenly more interesting again.

It's never been easier to cheat, folks. I foresee more jurisdictions considering decriminalizing or out-right legalizing prostitution as a tonic for an anemic local economy. The internet has already made it quasi-legal, depending upon jurisdiction. And hook-up culture and Craig's List have blurred the distinction between hardened professional and the thrill-seeking stranger-danger enthusiast. But I see this as a positive thing. With legal -- and presumably well-regulated -- brothels, the underground sex-slave trade variety that everyone despises would go out of business in the face of legitimate competition.

If nothing else, at least these sex-workers will have safer work environments now. That's a good thing any way you look at it.

"Dear Abby . . . " Gets Larry Flynt's Opinion On Porn. No, Really.

Gotta love this. Dear Abby consults Larry Flynt (!) on an issue of pornology. (NSFW -- duh!)

It was inevitable, as porn goes mainstream, that it would come up in polite conversation, and as arbiter of all things advicey, Dear Abby naturally couldn’t help advise someone who had a porn question.

Basically, it was the typical “Why do men like porn so much?” question women ask, as if there was one right answer. The venerable Mr. Flynt rose about the temptation to make a cheap shot or a joke and gave the industry-respected and approved answer:

Men like porn so much because we like to look at naked chicks (we’re more visually stimulated). Women like written erotica because they like to read about rich, successful vampires/werewolves with giant dicks and billions in the bank – but who only have eyes for the slightly-nerdy-but-irresistible-to-everyone heroine.

Dear Abby deferred to Flynt’s judgment on the matter, as well she should. But it marks an important watershed moment in our society, when the most rarified elements of middle-America social instruction are discussing the merits of boobies.

It makes me proud to be an American.

This Just In: Porn Doesn't Cause Rape

An outstanding post over at Porn For Women by the esteemed Ms. Naughty shows some pretty intriguing statistics for all of those who assume that more porn = more rape. In fact, the opposite is true. Ms. Naughty pulls out a couple of impressive statistics to back her up, but among the most telling is this:

One of the more interesting academic articles dealing with this issue is by Anthony D’Amato from Northwestern University School of Law. His paper Porn Up, Rape Down discusses the idea that there was an 85% reduction in sexual violence over the 25 years to 2003 (and the rate has kept falling since the paper was published). He goes on to posit that not only does porn NOT cause rape, he suggests that it may actually reduce rape, either by serving as a release valve or by demystifying sex. He concedes that the correlation does not equal causality and suggests further research.

So he can definitely say that Porn doesn't cause rape, or even encourage the levels violent rape, statistically speaking. But I'm gonna call it: Porn reduces rape. More of those violent meat-heads who once prowled the parks and streets in search of sexual release are now whacking off to German dungeon porn and Brazilian fart porn and Japanese . . . well, you-name-it porn, a bag of Fritos on their belly and a box of tissues at their side. If nearly free on-line internet porn helps reduce the number of women who suffer sexual assaults every year, then I for one don't think that's too high of a price to pay.

But next time a feminist or white knight gets in your face about porn "contributing to rape culture", haul this little statistic out. In point of fact, porn has reduced violent rape (either that or "abstinence-only" education is the reason, take your pick) which should, in any reasonable person's mind, be the ultimate measure of "rape culture".

The problem is that too many feminists over the years -- and especially the current Old Guard feminists -- have tried to broaden the category of rape to such ambiguous extremes that to them "rape culture" includes the kind of hook-up culture that their younger spiritual descendants see as just another weekend. There was a time when (according to feminists) a woman could even decide she was raped after-the-fact, or if she was drinking then she could decide that any sexual contact was rape if she felt bad about it afterwards. And when feminists tried to broaden the category to include pretty much anything with the label of "bad sex", then that undermined the very real problem of violent rape in our culture.

They attempted to conflate any less-than-ideal sexual liaison or "demeaning to women" portrayal of sex with rape, and most porn fell within that. Yes, there were problems with the porn industry back then, from under-age performers to overt violence in the actual movies. But the industry quickly became regulated as it became prominent, putting safeguards into place to ensure no under-aged performers would be used again, and making a conscious and conscientious decision to remove violence against women from porn themes. That wasn't because they were required to by law, that was because they recognized both the hurtful message such fare sent and because they wanted to tap into the potential of a large female market that recoiled at such rough portrayals. Don't forget, there are an awful lot of women in porn, and they don't like domestic violence or sexual assault any more than any other women. Less, actually, since many performers have had negative experiences like that in their lifetimes, usually before they got to the industry.

I think we're beyond that kind of silliness as a culture now, but the 1980s contention that porn contributes to rape should be well and truly dead at this point. Thank goodness.