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Thursday, October 28, 2010

Parody Corner: 3 You Should See

As I’ve mentioned before, we’re living in a Golden Age of parody. As porn-as-whackfodder becomes devalued, thanks to tube sites and such, porn-as-entertainment is on the rise, and a wonderful crop of great parodies has hit the market. Since few people have time to figure out which ones are worthwhile, here are some reviews and recommendations that can help you make a date-night decision!

First up: Sex In The City: The Original XXX Parody

Now with REAL sex!

Fans of the show (and there are a gajillion of them) will enjoy this for the non-sex, as the director has taken great pains to get the details right, down to the jazzy musical bumps between scenes and Carrie’s voiceovers. Director Lee Roy Meyers does an admirable job re-creating the show, approaching it with the intensity of a true fan. Best yet, the dialog is snappy, witty, and just what a slightly-sluttier version of all your favorite characters (if that’s possible) would say.

The storyline revolves around Carrie’s (the tarty Kayla Paige) dilemma: Mr. Big (Evan Stone – well done, too!) has received a job offer in El Lay, and invites Carrie to come out and cohabitate with him. But while she’s intrigued by to proposal (but still very conscious there’s no ring involved) she is loath to abandon her best friends. Of course, Samantha (Brittany Andrews – a good, not great casting decision), Charlotte (Bobbi Starr – dead on, and great chemistry, too!) and Miranda (Zoe Voss, and very apt) aren’t about to let her go without a fight! A great plot for the show, and once you add in the sexual issues all of them are enjoying, there’s a lot of great scrumping, too!

The sex isn’t “chick porn” – that’s not to say it isn’t hot and erotic and strokeworthy, this just isn’t what we in the profession call “chick porn”. That’s a good thing, because I don’t think any of the friends (except maybe Charlotte) would really be into chick porn, or have chick-porn style sex with their humpies. Don’t know the difference? “Chick porn” is ostensibly designed for women to enjoy, but that means the focus is on the scene, the setting, the lighting, the props, the wardrobe, the music, etc. etc. and not on the humpage. Since most of the porn chicks I know don’t care for chick porn, ironically enough, this has plenty of lusty appeal to everyone. All four of the leads did magnificently well, and the chatter flowed naturally compared to some parodies. High marks, and big date-night recommendations!

Next up: Not Charlie’s Angels XXX

If you weren’t around back in the days when there were (at most) four channels on your TV, you missed one of the hottest T&A fests the 1970s (and producer Aaron Spelling) ever produced: Charlie’s Angels. A prototype for Baywatch and other jiggly-jugged faves, Charlie’s Angels had the distinction of

a) having the late Farrah Fawcett for a season of “acting”
b) having three hot babes who didn’t mind peeling down as often as the censors would allow and c) increase the amount of sex most Americans had in the 1970s.

That’s right, back when they started keeping statistics about such things, Charlie’s Angels led to more late-night hump-fests than any other show. Johnny Carson talked about it a lot. The show was re-booted in the last few years featuring Lucy Liu, Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore, not to mention Dan Ackroyd as Bosley, but let’s just all pretend that was a bad acid trip and move on.

Now we have the porn parody, directed by the acclaimed Will Ryder, and thankfully Will and the folks at X-Play have remained faithful to the original concept. The Angels (Sunny Leone, Lexi Swallow, and Andy San Dimas) are all private detectives working for Charlie, their disembodied boss. (missed point: Charlie, in the original series, had a bit of a North East accent overlayed by laid-back California English; in the porn parody he has British or Australian accent. Minor point) This week’s episode (and yes, that’s how they phrase it in the title under the classic funk guitar title music) revolves around cocaine and prostitution and disappearing party girls at Studio 54 – can the Angels help? Of course they can!

The costumes are stunning vintage 1970s, with low cut V necks, wide bell bottoms, and wild prints (but, I was said to see, no smocks. I'd love to see one of the Angels get shagged in a smock. That sounds so . . . dirty . . . ) . The hair is vintage, too, and the three do an excellent job of staying in character as they go undercover at the tony discotheque. The sets and extras are impressively in-period, and the only clear anachronism I caught was when the bad guys are counting their cocaine money, and many of the $100 bills are the modern, big-faced greenbacks, not the 1970s standard. But such things make the show more entertaining, not less. And the sex is what you’d hope a really good episode would have done, had they allowed explicit sex on network TV in the 1970s! Some great girl-girl (of course!) and plenty of fellatio, cunnilingus, and funky dance riffs make this a blast from the past that’s ideal for a nostalgic date night!

Next up: Batfxxx: Dark Night

I’ve raved and raved about this year’s outstanding porn parody, Batman: A XXX Parody, based on the Adam West 1960s vintage version of the Caped Crusader. But now Bluebird Films, of all studios, has made an impressive foray into the parody market with this stunning flick based on the more recent Heath Ledger/Christian Bale version.

Gothard (sic) City is under siege from a fiendish band of villains, led by the Joker (played beautifully with creepy mania by Paul Chaplin). He’s even recruited Catwoman (Madelyn Marie) into his gang. But a certain cowled hero, The Bat (Nick Manning), is leading a crusade to stop their evil plans.

Same bat plot, same bat story. But it never gets old.

But here’s where things get interesting: director Nicholas Steele included no less than 9 group-sex scenes in full costume, making this dark comic book hero the center one orgy after another, with writhing bodies and outstanding group sex at every turn. There’s a tremendous emphasis on detail here, but there’s also some fine porn acting, particularly by Paul Chaplin. And with over 60 adult performers, I’m sure you can find some flesh you like! This is highly entertaining porn spectacle, not to be missed.

That’s it for Parody Corner this week, kids! Next time: porn parodies of Avatar, Soul Train, and Friday the 13th!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Nerd Girl Hall Of Fame: Danica McKellar

I said I'd profiled a real nerd girl this time around, as opposed to a fictional one. At first glance you might think I went back on my word -- and the word of a nerd is sacred. But I didn't. Our inductee this time out is Danica McKellar, who you may remember as Kevin Arnold's (Fred Savage's) love interest on the bubblegum sitcom The Wonder Years.

I'll cop to having a crush on Winnie (Danica), which is perfectly legitimate since we were roughly the same age at the time. Winnie (Danica) was wicked cute, and had all the makings of a first class nerd girl.

But we aren't inducting Winnie Cooper, fictional nerd girl. We're inducting Danica McKellar, real life nerd girl.

She's always been hot, but this beauty has brains to spare: she even has a mathematical therom named after her! Danica studied mathematics at UCLA, graduating with highest honors (summa cum laude) in 1998.

As an undergraduate, she coauthored a scientific paper with Professor Lincoln Chayes and fellow student Brandy Winn. Their results are termed the 'Chayes–McKellar–Winn theorem'. Otherwise known as 'Percolation and Gibbs States Multiplicity for Ferromagnetic Ashkin-Teller Models in Z2.'

Danica's Erdős number is four. If you know what that is, you're a hardcore mathnerd. If you understand the significance, you know that Danica is likewise a hardcore math nerd. And as super-hot as that is, it's not the best thing about Danica (and no, I'm not talking about her adorable face or her luscious body). The best thing about Danica is that she's putting her brains to work on behalf of all of our daughters in a series of specialized math books designed specifically for preteen and teenaged girls.

Since most math books are written by men and are as much fun to read as cold pancakes with no syrup, Danica penned a much more appropriate style designed to appeal to the native sensibilities of younger girls. It's tragic how much girls are discouraged from doing math in school -- or at least doing well at it. Not only are teachers and the system in general prejudiced against the idea that girls can excel at mathematics, but social pressures on girls from each other to bag math as boring, boy stuff is profound. As a father of a young daughter facing that already in elementary school, I fully appreciate just how much a series of books like Danica's is needed.

Her three books are Math Doesn't Suck, Kiss My Math, and the brand-new, scalding hot-off-the-presses Hot X: Algebra Exposed!, which I'm proud to plug in my blog. And if you want to see the steamier side of this mathnerd princess, check out the video to her Maxim photo shoot!

Now, I'm sure that plenty of women out there are concerned that someone who is such a positive role model for young nerd girls is scandalously seen in her skimpies, but the fact is that her beauty and her brains make up one complete person . . . that we want to drool over. The idea that you have to be a Slagathor in order to do math is just crazy. I'd prefer my math teachers to have looked like this. I might not have been a liberal arts major, then.

Thanks, Danica!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Nerd Girl Hall Of Fame: Willow Rosenberg

As I mentioned, the Nerd Girl Hall Of Fame is open to both real and fictional sexy Nerd Girls. Since I started with a real girl, I'm going to alternate to a fictional one -- and a really hot one, at that: Willow Rosenberg.

The character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Joss Whedon's cult classic TV show about a teenage girl who kills vampires and saves the world and junk, contained a number of compelling characters. One of the strongest was that of Willow Rosenberg (played by the luscious redhead with the cool voice, Allyson Hannigan, now on How I Met Your Mother), Buffy's nerdy side-kick and go-to girl when it came to library research and getting kidnapped by demons. Willow was a nerd girl from Day One, playing the classic high school chick with a big brain, small tits and low self-esteem. But that didn't mean she wasn't sexy! Even in the early days Willow had a seething sexuality hidden by a steaming pile of demure, a force that leaked out in unexpected but delightful ways as the seasons progressed.

She started out the nice Jewish nerd girl, wearing corduroy, sweaters, overalls, and other mismatched nerdwear. Always meek and cautious, she had a built-in vulnerability and a knack for witty dialog -- not to mention a case of hormones that raised its ugly head from time to time -- that made her irresistible to nerddom. The red hair and big eyes and pouty lips certainly didn't hurt! In her whacky home town of Sunnydale, she did all the normal things that a kid living on the edge of a gate to hell enjoys: running for her life, group dates, being threatened by demons, yearbook, and hunting vampires on a school night. Crazy kids. Better yet, she lost her virginity to a really, really nice werewolf (Seth Green) in the back of a van. How cool is that? An evil alternate universe Willow, turned into a sexy, vampy vampire seductress complete with leather and bodice and long sexy legs revealed another side to our wholesome nerd girl. And she was a little gay.

But the Willow fun didn't stop at mere nerdhood: Willow was also a witch ("Wiccan", in the TV sense, not the really religious sense) and a powerful one. Her magickal kung fu helped tremendously in the later seasons, as she and Buffy and their pals went to college. If Nerdy Willow was hot in an understated way, Nerdy Wiccan Willow was twice as hot.

But then the hotness got hotter as our nerd girl decided to switch teams and become a lesbian her freshman year. It was a controversial move -- many of the fans were pleased with the decision, many were appalled, but it just gave her that much more sexy for us low-brow hormone-crazed types. A sweet loveable nerd girl with red hair and pouty lips who casts spells and eats pussy, too? That even beat dating a werewolf!

The problem? Her choice of Freshman year girlfriend, Tara. I don't like Tara. Has nothing to do with her being gay, and everything to do about the character. No one was more pleased than I when Joss had Tara killed in an accidental shooting. Of course the grief forced Willow to turn to her Dark Side, and Dark Willow nearly destroyed the Earth, but that's what you get when you fuck with a nerd. We're inclined to over-react.

The question of whether Willow was a die-hard rug muncher or just happily Gay Until Graduation has been more-or-less answered in her continuing inclination to dine at the Y in the comic book series, Buffy Season 8. Seen here entwined with a spirit babe, you can't deny the horniness in Willow's eyes. Gay Willow is still hot!

And while many of us want to see her eventually return to sausage -- or just get kinky with a boy every now and again -- too many LGBT fans would riot over it, so Joss The Boss is likely to keep her eating bush indefinitely.

But there's always fan fiction . . .